I wrote this first part while sitting and waiting for my girls during ballet/tap class. I brought a book and my Bible and this is what was on my heart.
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There's a fear that seems to chase me, and often it is so close that I'm consumed by its grip. It doesn't seem to matter how often I tell myself that fear has no place. I know that fear, worry and anxiety are wrong. I know it!
Yet, it plagues me. This fear. This fear of getting sick - of fevers and tummies aching and rejecting their usual delights.
My ears seem to be locked in on one frequency - the one channel that can hear every child saying their sibling is home sick, the mom who mentions their home has had this undesired visitor for two weeks: the fevers, the sipping at Sprite and nibbling of Saltines.
And, I find myself counting the hours after being with others - if we make it past dinner, through this night, after lunch - we should be clear.
Sterilizing and sanitizing and germ-killing is at the front of my mind. Yet, there lingers another thought:
What kind of sickness am I addicted to in living with this fear as it comes and goes, ebbs and flows? Why do I willingly spend y time and energy on this - it won't last forever ... the sickness would be much shorter than all these added moments and days of worry.
And I realize: sickness is so out of my control.
Others may compromise and expose my family, we live in a sinful world where sickness is part of life. For me, this is more than a 24-hour bug, it is a plague of sorts. One that threatens to overtake me as it chooses. Those around me see the foolishness of my fear, yet it persists, and I am obsessed with the possibility and the what-ifs.
Why am I willing to sacrifice sleep and peace and peace of mind? Why do I sacrifice time and energy that I can hardly afford to spend much less waste?
I think the answer lies in my word for this year: see.
I am choosing to fix my sight on something other than Christ. I am seeing all right, but not the things of eternity, of perfect peace, of trust and rest and faith.
Next, I am reminded of words like ~