Tuesday, February 08, 2011

To See Like My Savior: Fixing My Eyes Part One

This two-part post is going to be just a tad out of order! I have the Prescription post all written and ready - but this idea of fixing my eyes on Him has been very real to me lately. So, we'll just go with it!

I wrote this first part while sitting and waiting for my girls during ballet/tap class. I brought a book and my Bible and this is what was on my heart.

* * *

There's a fear that seems to chase me, and often it is so close that I'm consumed by its grip. It doesn't seem to matter how often I tell myself that fear has no place. I know that fear, worry and anxiety are wrong. I know it!

Yet, it plagues me. This fear. This fear of getting sick - of fevers and tummies aching and rejecting their usual delights.

My ears seem to be locked in on one frequency - the one channel that can hear every child saying their sibling is home sick, the mom who mentions their home has had this undesired visitor for two weeks: the fevers, the sipping at Sprite and nibbling of Saltines.

And, I find myself counting the hours after being with others - if we make it past dinner, through this night, after lunch - we should be clear.

Sterilizing and sanitizing and germ-killing is at the front of my mind. Yet, there lingers another thought:

What kind of sickness am I addicted to in living with this fear as it comes and goes, ebbs and flows? Why do I willingly spend y time and energy on this - it won't last forever ... the sickness would be much shorter than all these added moments and days of worry.

And I realize: sickness is so out of my control.

Others may compromise and expose my family, we live in a sinful world where sickness is part of life. For me, this is more than a 24-hour bug, it is a plague of sorts. One that threatens to overtake me as it chooses. Those around me see the foolishness of my fear, yet it persists, and I am obsessed with the possibility and the what-ifs.

Why am I willing to sacrifice sleep and peace and peace of mind? Why do I sacrifice time and energy that I can hardly afford to spend much less waste?

I think the answer lies in my word for this year: see.

I am choosing to fix my sight on something other than Christ. I am seeing all right, but not the things of eternity, of perfect peace, of trust and rest and faith.

Next, I am reminded of words like ~

7 comments:

Leanne said...

Monica,
that is such an awesome post. Eight years ago I developed an illness called peripheral neuropathy. I was in bed for almost a year and 1/2! I think I saw around 15 doctors...I still take medication for it..and am obviously, much better--but I had to let go of the fear of getting sick pretty quick. However, then I had children. My husband jokes that Christopher spent the first year of life with a thermometer attached to him! Then Matthew developed the dreaded PEANUT ALLERGY, and the kind requiring the epipen, and asthma, and then my precious Michael has had 3 surgeries, and one hospitalization (for RSV) in his 3 years of life!! Wow...talk about "no control"...in all of that, the only peace I've ever experienced was when I let go of trying to control and knowing that it was already "handled"...I just needed to trust the outcome!!
I am praying that you will be free of that as well. Did you read Sarah Young's devo. for today 2/8? It directly applies to this!
Blessings, Friend!

Kylee said...

Oh I have the same phobia. I constantly worry about the stomach bug. Even though, like you said it is not in my control. Ugh I hate it!

angie said...

I can completely relate to this post today. My daughter has contracted head lice for the second time in less than 2 months! Despite being obsessive about her treatment and cleaning everything in our home (DAILY), it returned. I have been losing sleep trying to figure out the source. But some part of it, if she is ever to be in public again, is out of my control. So I must remember to give this problem over to the ONE who is omniscient. He knows the very number of hairs on our head, so he can rid each one of the lice! Deep breath......

Chelle said...

Thank you for your post. I needed that.

Dawn@OneFaithfulMom said...

I, too, worry about sickness. Especially the dreaded stomach virus! Around here, that can knock us out for a while!!
When Jessie was diagnosed with Juvenile Diabetes, it was rough. Andy came to the hospital the 2nd day we were there, and I went to a bathroom down the hall and went into a stall and bawled my eyes out. I remember telling God that I could not handle that disease. Anything but that. Well, next Wed will be 2 yrs since that fateful day of diagnosis. And I am still here, and we are handling it with God's grace.
I'll be praying for our families' good health, and for peace for us mommies!! Love you!!

Tami said...

Oh, Monica! How did you know that I lost sleep last night over this very same issue?!?! My little guy woke up Sunday morning with some sort of stomach bug, and I found myself just wanting to make it through until this morning...until our 48 hours was up, and them maybe we would be in the clear...actually thinking about what i was making for dinner, wondering if it would upset anybodys stomach!! AGH! Such wasted time worrying! We all just hate to be miserable and try and wish/will it away, but you are right, it is inevitable. Can't wait to get to Heaven..no sickness! Thanks again for making me feel not alone in this silly worry!

Alison said...

I'm just like you. I worry constantly about sickness; It's a fear I cannot shake.

I've been a worrier all my life, even as a very small child. I remember my mom making me memorize the "cast all your cares upon him, for he cares for you" scripture.
Sometimes it works and sometimes I'm too stubborn to cast my fears.