I'm not completely sure where to start. I am emotionally drained and yet I am at peace and in a sweet place with Him and there is no where else that I would rather be. Oh, there is so much I want to share from this time - I imagine it will be trickling out over the next days and weeks. Longer, I pray!
Near the end of her sharing time, she asked us to take a few quiet moments and pray. To ask God what He would like us to surrender. I grabbed my journal and jotted down a few thoughts of a prayer to Him.
What do You want me to surrender?
It was quiet.
The theme I had noticed while she was talking was that I was telling myself that she wasn't really talking to me. She was saying we as bloggers are artists. We are writing words of healing. We are worshippers. And, as she said each of those things, I knew she didn't really know me and she couldn't be talking about me.
And, in the waiting and in the quiet and the listening. I heard.
"I think You want me to see my identity in You. I want to go deeper and lower and be in a holy place. I want to write for an audience of One."
Ann says next, "Are you thinking your words aren't great? Are you thinking you don't create art?"
"Why is it so hard to believe that what we make is any good? Why can't we believe that God's grace has made me good? That in Christ, He sees me as perfect?"
I'm near sobs and just trying to hold it together to get back to our room where I seem unable to turn off the faucet to the tears that are coming. I tell my room-mate that I know what God wants me to give up is this idea that I am never good enough.
How? I have long been known for being very hard on myself and never feeling like I did enough or what I give is good enough. I want to see the beauty that He sees. To see myself the way He sees me.
The first thing I need to do is to surrender. Surrender the comfort (yes, there is a comfort in it as it has been my companion for so long) of that voice that is constantly putting myself down or building myself up falsely. Get rid of the voice that speaks untruth and therefore is wounding to my spirit.
I gaze at it again and try to soak in that truth that God sees me as beautiful and wonderful because I am just the way He made me to be. And, I notice something ~
A small place that has been sliced through the canvas - it hasn't ruined the picture, Megan says she can't even see it and I am struck with how perfect this is for what I am learning! It's not even possible for me to get a good picture of the spot as its so hard to see.
I have wounds and flaws and God still sees me as beautiful. This painting had a wound and Megan couldn't even see it. How many times do I listen to this voice in my head and then magnify what it says so that I think everyone can see it?
When you stand back and look at the beauty in this painting - you cannot see anything less than the beautiful whole. I will put this in a place that is near where I work on my blog so I can look at it and be reminded that God sees me as beautiful. To remind me that I am not writing to gain fame and followers and money. I am writing for Him. For what He is doing in me through these words.
Do you see yourself as beautiful in Him? What is it that is hindering you from that? What is He asking you to surrender?